I have witnessed countless people over the course of the past eight (extremely long) years, whose lives have been literally turned upside down due to the selfish and needless act caused by the betrayal of infidelity.
I say needless, because infidelity is indeed needless. It is an avoidable and needless act anyone could ever do to another human being. The pain it causes is immeasurable. It is akin to the feeling that one would feel upon the death of a loved one. I cannot express this urgently or deeply enough. The pain is excruciating and extremely hard to overcome.
These women’s, men’s (and children’s) lives have been forever altered upon the discovery, repercussions and the aftermath of an affair. Absolutely, marriages and relationships can indeed survive infidelity. With a lot of hard work, recommitment, dedication and complete transparency, a relationship can be salvaged. Unfortunately, there will be lingering triggers and setbacks for the betrayed for a long while.
What people who make the conscious decision to get involved in an affair (yes, this is a decision!) don’t realize or forsee or plan for, is the lives that ultimately become destroyed in the aftermath; especially when the final decision is made for the dissolution of the marriage or relationship.
Women who have spent decades with a man only to discover his straying ( Who decide to ultimately leave the marriage) suffer enormously, especially if she had been a homemaker most of her adult life with no degree to fall back on. These women suffer a tremendous and drastic change in lifestyle, due to loss of assets, money and support. Whilst there may be division of assets, alimony awarded and child support in place, these women still face close, if not literal poverty-level living; often forced to seek help with the welfare system. This is not always the case, but sadly, a great number of women face this. Women oftentimes fall prey to depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide. Self-esteem becomes greatly diminished, as well as self-image. These women wonder “Who will love me now?” Or begin to wonder if they are even worthy of love.
Men whose wives cheat on them, end up losing half their assets, likely need to pay alimony and child support and, too suffer a huge lifestyle change. A great amount of anger and frustration arises out of the injustice of this; and rightfully so. Depression is also quite common. I have witnessed men literally on the brink of suicide because of the bereft feelings they suffer after having a wife walk out on them.
Children. Children in my opinion are the hardest impacted by infidelity; especially when the marriage is not reconcilable and dissolved into divorce. Children suffer from guilt that it was somehow their fault, confusion, emotional distress, a feeling that life is unpredictable and unstable. They lose the basic feelings of trust at an early age. Grades are usually impacted due to depression. Their family unit that they knew is no longer there. One day Mommy or Daddy suddenly up and leaves and move out, leaving a vast amount of despair. Depression, anger, outbursts, changes in behavior is a sad reality.
Extended family and mutual friends also are impacted. The domino effect is amazing, powerful and strikes hard; sometimes in unexpected ways with unexpected outcomes. Trust me, the friends you once thought you could count on to be there for you, may or may not wind up really being there for you when all is out in the open. Some “friends” may irrationally fear that infidelity or divorce is contagious and will want to bow out of the friendship for a while. As irrational as that sounds, and as much as one needs friends’ support, especially during a crisis with such magnitude; some simply choose to keep at bay. Some who have never experienced this kind of tragedy or pain may not even know HOW to relate to you anymore.
Extended families can and oftentimes become divided, ending up taking sides. Bitterness, scrutiny, finger-pointing and blame sets in.
Infidelity affects EVERYONE in your circle of life.
One thing that strikes me with huge impact, is the betrayed tend to search fretfully within themselves for the blame. I want to be very, very clear on one important aspect of infidelity- None of this is the victim’s fault. So, please, do not accept blame on yourself if you are a victim.
There is not a single justifiable excuse that a betrayer can use that would justify the act of Infidelity. Oh, believe me, they will use every excuse in the book to justify it; which in turn causes even deeper pain for the betrayed if they accept the excuses.
Infidelity is NOT about the betrayed one (It is not about you). Infidelity is all about the betrayer. Please remember that. YOU are not the problem, the cause, or the justification for it. Full responsibility lays in the hand of the betrayer.
The first thing that I suggest to anyone who is facing infidelity is to seek some form of counseling right away. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. The sooner you get in, the better. If you are experiencing depression and anxiety, which is very normal during a time like this, it is O.K. to consider taking some short-term antidepressants in conjunction with anti-anxiety medication. Going on meds is not a stigma; nor is it something one should feel shameful about. Sometimes, it simply becomes necessary, and that is OK.
Make sure you take good care of yourself, too. Make sure you eat a healthy diet (if you have no appetite, I strongly suggest you to at least invest in some nutritional shakes such as Ensure to keep yourself nourished), exercise well (Believe me, exercise is one of the highest stress-relievers you can do for yourself) and try to get adequate sleep.
Whether you suspect your spouse or partner is involved in an affair and need help finding out; all the way down to healing- I will do my level best to communicate these things to you. I am not a counselor nor an expert by any means. I am just a woman with one small voice and a victim myself.