This is part 2 of a 3 part series
– Part 1: https://youtu.be/9b_MOilICRw [GROWING UP IN A PENTECOSTAL CHURCH | BEING HOME SCHOOLED | MY DAD COMING OUT AS GAY]
In part, I share why I abandoned music and gave up on myself and how that led to even more anxiety and depression. You will hear my struggles of finding a studio that felt like home, to then have the producer begin hitting on me, abandoning music and myself all together, having a break through and moving to California, finding my husband, working together with my husband to try and conquer my social anxiety, listening to others instead of my heart on what direction I should take musically, and my second suicide attempt.
I dropped out of college and moved out on my own. I was 17. I worked 4 restaurant/bar jobs to pay the bills. I slipped into a deep, deep depression. This but this is the first time that I attempted suicide. My parents realized something was wrong and found me a therapist. However, she was a Christian therapist. In the Pentecostal religion, suicide is the ultimate sin and since she was a Christian therapist I didn’t want to be judged so I didn’t share about the suicidal thoughts and the attempt. I remember one day she told me, “I think you’re ok now” and that was that. I knew I wasn’t ok but I also didn’t understand what was really wrong. I knew I was depressed but I didn’t really understand all the why’s yet.
And then I got a little life line. My Dad met a producer who was the Music Director of a jingle house in St. Louis and he was looking for singers. I started working at his studio full time as his in house session singer.It was a community of people that I could indulge in music with. But I was only making around $8/hr and I was living on my own so I still had to work the other bar jobs and I was struggling and I was still getting pressure from my parents to get a “real” job. And then the producer started telling me that he had feelings for me. So I quit. I had to leave the job that was giving me hope. I was crushed. I gave up music. I completely put away music. If I couldn’t pursue it, I couldn’t have it in my life at all. It made me so sad that I wasn’t who I really am so I started being someone else. I worked in a corporate company, had the salary, the 401k, the big, beautiful house. I was miserable. My depression was constantly present. You can’t hide who you are for too long. It’s the most sickening feeling and eventually light will find the dark. One day I decided I was moving to CA. I moved halfway across the country with no job, no place to live, and no friends or connections. Everyone told me not to go. I left everyone and everything to follow my heart. I immediately joined a cover band so I could get paid to sing and meet other musicians and that’s how I ultimately met my husband Rob. When we met it was obvious that we clicked on a very deep creative level. But Rob had a much deeper impact on my life. He is who honestly helped me find ME. I was SO codependent a lot of that stemming from my social anxiety. I would take these huge leaps but then had zero plan or follow up. Rob was able to help me understand the small steps to the big picture. He was the one who helped me understand that I NEEDED education. I started taking songwriting classes and going to songwriting camps. And doing it by myself. That was the biggest thing for Rob. He wasn’t going to hold my hand. He insisted I become independent. And it was SO HARD. My social anxiety isn’t something that I “grew out of” but Rob kept encouraging me. He helped me jump these hurdles to becoming independent. But there is only so much that Rob could do. He recognized that there was a deeper problem. We both did. We hadn’t gotten to the source of it yet. In LA, there are so many opinions of what you should do with your career and how you should do it. I was encouraged to pursue bubblegum type pop music and, once again, I started listening to others instead of listening to my heart. Old habits are very hard to break. Because I was living in-authentically, my depression started triggering again and by late 2018 it peaked and I attempted suicide for the 2nd time. The difference with this attempt is that I couldn’t hide it from my husband.
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