So I’m gay, Which explains a lot to be honest. But I’ve never admitted “I’m gay”. It was always just “Yeah I like guys but” I guess in some hopes that if I changed my mind, I could leave the door open for a woman to come into the picture. I tend to leave things up in the air. Because cementing something into truth feels irreversible. It’s why I was scared shitless to come out in the first place. Like my sexuality would somehow become the only entry point to my identity. I mean I had had a girlfriend for like…a month. And some sticky situationships. But none of them worked. Clearly. Because well, I don’t like women. I like men. Which is a hard truth. To me, at least. Because I wish so badly that I did. And even though I know the door isn’t reopening, admitting it means I’m the one bolting it shut. And it also means I’m confirming what everyone said growing up. “He’s gay” turned into “I’m gay” People were more comfortable in my sexuality than I was with my own. Funny how that works. How even though I know I’m gay, I’m actually the one least comfortable saying it out loud. And sometimes, I do wonder if I ever will. If “I’m gay” comes out of my mouth without my stomach twisting in knots. Because a part of me still thinks it’s a malfunction waiting to be fixed. But it’s funny because less than a year ago, I couldn’t even say any of it out loud. I couldn’t even admit I like guys. It was just I’m figuring it out. And I swore I’d never talk about it again: one and done. Because I didn’t want being gay to be my personality. But my sexuality isn’t my personality. It never was. It is just the lens in which I see life through. The entry point to my existence isn’t who I’m attracted to, But it does serve as an explanation for how I moved, and continue to move, through life. And I’m no longer afraid of this voice in my head that says “I’m gay” Because now I’m finally saying… #mlm #gay #comingout
♬ original sound – Andrew John
@itsandrewjohn_ So I’m gay, Which explains a lot to be honest. But I’ve never admitted “I’m gay”. It was always just “Yeah I like guys but” I guess in some hopes that if I changed my mind, I could leave the door open for a woman to come into the picture. I tend to leave things up in the air. Because cementing something into truth feels irreversible. It’s why I was scared shitless to come out in the first place. Like my sexuality would somehow become the only entry point to my identity. I mean I had had a girlfriend for like…a month. And some sticky situationships. But none of them worked. Clearly. Because well, I don’t like women. I like men. Which is a hard truth. To me, at least. Because I wish so badly that I did. And even though I know the door isn’t reopening, admitting it means I’m the one bolting it shut. And it also means I’m confirming what everyone said growing up. “He’s gay” turned into “I’m gay” People were more comfortable in my sexuality than I was with my own. Funny how that works. How even though I know I’m gay, I’m actually the one least comfortable saying it out loud. And sometimes, I do wonder if I ever will. If “I’m gay” comes out of my mouth without my stomach twisting in knots. Because a part of me still thinks it’s a malfunction waiting to be fixed. But it’s funny because less than a year ago, I couldn’t even say any of it out loud. I couldn’t even admit I like guys. It was just I’m figuring it out. And I swore I’d never talk about it again: one and done. Because I didn’t want being gay to be my personality. But my sexuality isn’t my personality. It never was. It is just the lens in which I see life through. The entry point to my existence isn’t who I’m attracted to, But it does serve as an explanation for how I moved, and continue to move, through life. And I’m no longer afraid of this voice in my head that says “I’m gay” Because now I’m finally saying… #mlm #gay #comingout