There are a lot of emotion in the room when the topic of gay and lesbian (from here on I will use the term gay as including both genders in same-sex relationships) parenthood are raised. Many straight people, especially religious straight people, feel that gay couples aren’t able to raise kids successfully. For obvious reasons gay people feel the opposite. I would like to write a few articles on the basic issues of parenthood in this debate. As a learned religious person I understand the doubts straight people have, as a parent I understand the seriousness of the debate, and as a gay parent I might throw a bit of light on the gay side of the debate.
In my mind there are three basic issues in the debate. Firstly the issue that a child needs two genders to be raised successfully. Secondly children need a stable relationship to be raised successfully. Thirdly children need “normal” parents to be raised successfully. Some straight people feel that gay couples do not represent both genders, they do not have stable relationships, and they aren’t “normal” in their perspective of normality. Gay people try hard to convince others that their arguments are ungrounded.
- Gay parents do not represent both genders.
I have many friends, both straight and gay. Many of my friends are also parents. As somebody that studied both theology and psychology many of my friends come to me for advice. Like all other therapists I represent only one gender, but in my relationship we are also only representing one gender, so why come to me? Firstly people come to me because I know a bit of psychology, maybe more than a bit. Secondly they ask me because I have years of experience. Thirdly the come because I do not beat about the bush and lastly because I actually care.
Some people will never come to me because I am gay, others, actually those that know me, look past my sexual orientation and they see my abilities. Is it stupid to look past my orientation and see my ability? I don’t think so. I think it is stupid to go to a straight therapist who knows less, and luckily my clients feel the same.
If we compare this argument with parenthood does it apply or not? Would you leave your kids at a gay couple who are capable, loving, and caring or would you rather leave your kids at a straight couple who doesn’t care? Back at genders – would you leave your kids with a loving single parent or an abusive straight couple? Obviously you would not care whether both genders are represented or not – you will care whether the people are to be trusted or not, whether they are loving or not, whether they are responsible or not. I am not saying that both genders aren’t important in the life of a child; I am just saying that nobody forces people to marry just to make sure that children have two genders raising them. Nobody considers making divorce illegal just to guarantee two genders in a household. If the representation of two genders isn’t an issue in single parent households or in divorce, then it should not be an argument in gay parenting.
- Gay relationships are not stable
I always think about the movie “The Birdcage” if I hear this argument. In the Birdcage Val Goldman tells his gay father that he is the only guy in his fraternity that didn’t come from a broken home. Ironical isn’t it? Ironical, but it is true of many gay couples that raise children. Am I saying that there aren’t gay couples who break up? Off course not, many gay couples break up, but so do straight couples. Can we say that straight couples shouldn’t raise children because 2 out of 3 straight couples break up? I mean think about it; there are more broken marriages than there are marriages that survive. Should we therefor conclude that marriage is not a stable environment for raising kids? Does heterosexuality guarantee marriage stability? Obviously it does not; in fact most of them break up. If we want to ban gay couples from raising children we should think of another argument, because homosexuality does not guarantee instability and heterosexuality does not guarantee stability.
Some people argue that gay marriages break up more than straight marriages. I haven’t seen that statistic yet, but let us say it is true. Interracial relationships also have a better chance of getting a divorce – should we ban them from raising children as well? Interreligious couples also have a better chance of getting a divorce – shall we stop them from raising kids as well? It seems to me that it would not be consistent to forbid gay couples to raise children if we do not forbid interracial or interreligious couples.
- Gay people are not normal.
I always enjoy this argument because I have yet to see a normal person. Who can stand-up and say they are normal? How does a normal household look? Is an emotional abusive father normal? Yet many abusive fathers are allowed to raise children. Only if the abuse becomes public knowledge it will be stopped. Is an overprotective mother normal? Many psychologists agree that overprotective mothers give their children endless psychological issues. Are we allowing overprotective mothers to raise children? Even if we know they are overprotective and even though we know that they hurt their children we do not stop them. In the same sense there is no proof that children raised by gay parents have any consequential damage. In fact, most research shows that it has no effect on children. The so-called “normal” argument does not hold water. If you want to stop gay parents from raising children you will have to stop a lot of other people as well. You should start by testing every person through psychological tests before you allow them to raise children, before you allow them to get married, and before you allow women to get pregnant. If we do that, we are becoming Nazi-Germany. They also thought the state should determine who are allowed to have children.
The three issues discussed here represent three of the most important arguments against gay parenthood, and yet, as seen above, they do not make any sense.