Ken absolutely hates it when his wife gives him the cold shoulder. Their marriage can seem to be moving along just fine and then BAM, out of nowhere, she stops talking to him, turns her back to him in bed and either ignores or glares at him when they are together…
And he usually has no clue why she is doing this.
In the past, Ken has handled his wife giving him the cold shoulder in a variety of ways. Sometimes he gives her the cold shoulder right back. Other times, he becomes frustrated and angry and ends up saying or doing things he later regrets.
None of the usual reactions that Ken has had to his wife’s withdrawn behavior has worked. It’s always seemed to drive the two of them even further apart.
Usually, after a few days of the silence and tension, whatever was upsetting Ken’s wife passes and they begin to re-connect– but never by talking about what caused the problem in the first place.
And, it’s happened again.
His wife came home from work last night and barely spoke two words to him all evening. Ken tried to stay calm and friendly to her, but it was nearly impossible. By the time they went to bed, Ken was the one who turned his back to her. He hardly slept because he was so stirred up and irritated.
What can you do when your partner gives you the cold shoulder?
Try these 5 Cold Should Cures…
#1: Tune in to her.
Before you say or do a single thing, when you notice that your woman is giving you the cold shoulder, pay closer attention to her.
It’s natural and normal to get all wrapped up in how you feel because she’s closed down and maybe even treating you with silent hostility. It is important to acknowledge how you feel and it’s also important for you to tune in to your partner more closely.
Bring your attention to her and what you know has been going on in her life recently. Has she been with extended family members who are triggering for her? Has she been caught up in a challenging project at work? Was there some disagreement between the two of you that you thought was resolved, but maybe wasn’t from her perspective?
This can be tricky because you don’t want to start making up stories about what you think has set your woman off. Stick with what you know, but also recognize any clues that give you more information.
#2: Do NOT do what you normally do.
Know yourself too. If it is your habit to lash out or to withdraw when your partner gives you the cold shoulder, realize it when you start fall into that pattern. Interrupt your usual reactions and choose a different response.
Again, give yourself the space and permission to feel what you are feeling. You might very well be irritated, angry or fearful about your woman’s behavior. Take the time– by yourself– to process these emotions.
You might choose to be open with your partner about how you feel when she gives you the cold shoulder. Don’t do this as a guilt trip, but merely as a sharing of how it is for you when you feel shut out like this.
Above all, encourage yourself to respond instead of react to the current disconnection between you two. Deciding not to do what you normally do is an effective way to choose a response that can bring resolution and re-connection to your relationship sooner.
#3: Ask her for more information.
If you truly have no idea why your partner is giving you the cold shoulder, there’s nothing wrong with asking her to help you understand what’s going on. The way that you ask can determine whether or not you two keep moving further apart.
Approach her when you are feeling relatively calm. (I know, this isn’t always easy, but try anyway.) You might say something like this to her: “I have noticed a distance between us lately. I sense that you are upset about something or maybe with me. I am sorry to say that I am unclear about what’s happened to upset you. Can you help me to understand what’s happened?”
Be curious and let her know that you really want to understand what is bothering her.
#4: Apologize and make amends, if appropriate.
Whether or not you are aware of something that you’ve done or said that’s hurt her, once you become aware of your role in what’s upsetting her, take responsibility.
It’s not going to help you two re-connect if you merely apologize as an attempt to appease her. This isn’t taking responsibility. If you feel like you should apologize but your heart is not in it, this will come through. She will know and– guaranteed– the tension between you two will only increase.
Before you make an apology, be sure you are truly taking responsibility for actions or words that you can see were hurtful, insensitive or neglectful. Take ownership for your share of the dynamic, not for everything that your woman sees as wrong.
Offer to make amends in a genuine way and when you are really going to follow through and do what you’ve promised.
#5: Give her the space she is asking for.
There are plenty of times in a love relationship or marriage when one or both people just need some space. This doesn’t necessarily have to mean a formal separation and it doesn’t necessarily mean that the distance between you two will continue to grow.
Sometimes, a person will be working with some difficult inner turmoil that spills out into the relationship. There might have been a trigger from the person’s partner, but the core issue could be about a very old emotional wound that just hasn’t healed.
If you sense that your woman’s cold shoulder is more about her or her past and not so much about you (or your relationship), be willing to give her space.
You might use words like those suggested above and ask her what she most needs from you right now. If she tells you that she wants to be left alone, you could gently ask her to give you more information about what that means to her. Is it for the evening? For longer? Does she need you to be nearby in case she’d like to talk?
You don’t have to give up your own needs and preferences just because your partner is going through a difficult time. What is helpful, however, is for you to keep the door to re-connection open and let her know you are available to her.